Words and pictures

Recently I had a friend save all the information from my old computer on to this one, and just now have had a chance to read some of the material. About five years ago, I apparently had taken to writing a legacy for any future generations who cared to see what it was like to be me. Let me tell you, it must have been a lot easier to be me then than it is to be me now.. because I was a lot smarter! The wisdom I found in these lines would astound you. I had no doubt of God having a plan. I thought that if things weren't "the way they were supposed to be" then God had something greater in mind. I was firmly convinced.

How was my younger self so much smarter than my older self? Is it merely a matter of my older self feeling jaded? Tossed around a little too often by this plan God has for my life? Have I simply lost sight of that assurance that used to come so easily? What has so complicated my life that I've lost my grip of that most important thing?

Maybe I was just writing for posterity. I wanted to sound like I had used my lessons to become a better person, a better Christian, so future generations could do the same--but it doesn't really give an accurate picture of my heart when I wrote it.

Maybe I was just better at lying to myself back then.

On a similar note I've also been thinking about photographs. I've been feeling a bit blue and unsure of myself lately. So I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a sort of "I'm pretty blessed" encouragement collage for myself. I raided my picture collection and took all the pictures I found of me and people and me being silly and pictures of family and fun times, and I stuck them to my wall.. there must be over a hundred at least (so I have too much time on my hands...sue me)and it takes up most of my bedroom wall. But it makes me smile, so it has served its purpose.

It also makes me realize why some people don't like pictures very much. We always smile for pictures. In almost every one of those pictures (the ones I like, anyway, and therefore the ones I chose) I'm smiling, with very few exceptions. And though my life has been good, it's not always been happy. So those pictures, like my wisdom for posterity, are a very unrealistic picture of the way things were.

So here's to honesty...in word, deed and pictures.

But I think I like the pictures anyway. I like to think that God gives us reasons to smile, laugh and have a good time even amidst sadness, confusion and pain. And if the joy is what we remember and commemorate--then God has fulfilled that promise of bringing everything to our good.

And if God can use my own words to encourage me, then think of what other creative twists he may have in store.

Same Old Me

I am aware that my previous post seemed to suggest that I'm entirely new, and my perspective of the world has been altered...but of my life? Why isn't it easy to keep our focus off of ourselves when we're immersed in our own little worlds? Why do my small problems still creep up on me, frustrate me, and drain my mental and spiritual resources? Why can't I keep the big picture in mind, and remember that though I may have frustrations, they are small in the grand scheme of things?

Because I'm human, I suppose. And no matter where I go, no matter what my good intentions are, I'm still stuck with me. Even relying on God to do the work, it seems I'm always the little kid in the workshop, getting her hands in the way of what her Father is doing. Does anybody else wish He'd tell us what He's doing, so we'd know? So we'd relax.. I feel like I keep saying.."Watcha doin?" and He won't tell me so I keep putting my nose into what he's doing, getting in the way. He can't just give me a hint of what it may look like when He's done?

Why is it so hard to trust that what He's doing is for His glory and my good? Why can't I take Him at His word? Maybe I should spend some time reading His word to remind myself of His intentions.

Wind of change

So, yes, i don't like change. But sometimes change is good. Change of perspective, change of priority--change of horizon... So be prepared. I'm changing as you read this. I just came back from the Domincan Republic.. and there, well, they need change.

I went to the DR with my church to work with an organization called Kids Alive International. We worked with them building some bathrooms onto a school, and we played a lot of wiffle ball with some beautiful kids. These children live in such poverty, with barely enough food to stay alive each day, the bare minimum of everything--and yet...they give their love freely. They grab your hand as you walk through their village. They walk up and hug you for no reason at all except that you're there and you smiled at them. They play just like any other kids and it breaks your heart because you know where they're going to go home to after they leave you playing in a field...and there's nothing it seems we can do.

But Kids Alive gives them hope. They run care centers, which gives the kids a full meal each day and Bible classes and a good education. They also run orphanages to take kids out of the most desperate of circumstances---children left to fend for themselves, children abused, children locked away from the world. They take them out of those nightmares and place them into loving Christian homes--where they have Christian parents and an environment that encourages them to grow up to serve Christ.

It's an amazing idea. They're amazing kids, and there are amazing opportunities to serve in this small Caribbean country. I'll write more later, but be prepared.. I am not the same as I once was. These kids...they followed me home.